Saturday 15th December 2018 7th Tevet 5779
Parashat Vayigash Alan Gilman
Genesis 44:18-47:27; Ezekiel 37:15-28; Luke 24:30 - 48
And he wept aloud, so that the Egyptians heard it, and the household of Pharaoh heard it. (Bereshit/Genesis 45:2)
Sometime in my late teens I stopped crying. I don't mean that up until then I was crying nonstop. It was as if I had lost the ability to cry. All children cry. It's our automatic, God-given survival device.
As we get older, most of us learn to control the tears and express our needs and disappointments in other ways. In many cultures, males are often discouraged from crying at all. "Big boys don't cry," we're told; so they stop, but that's not why I did. My parents didn't teach me such a thing. I remember seeing my father cry on more than one occasion, and there was no shame in that. Despite that, I distinctly remember by the time I was eighteen years old, I could feel an incessant need to cry lodged in my throat. It was awful.
My life was awful. My father had abandoned me and my mother a few years before. By this time, my mother was not well enough to work, forcing us to turn to government assistance. I had no direction in life, I was very superstitious, I thought success was measured by degrees of pleasure, and I was becoming more and more afraid of dying.
Everything about my life was out of sorts. I had no clear vision of what it should be or could be. Wrapped in a shroud of confusion and fear, I was stuck just like the lump in my throat. Then a few days before my nineteenth birthday, my life was transformed by my first encounter with the truth of Yeshua as Messiah.
As I reached out to God that day, I had no idea I was embarking on a truly Great Adventure. Yet, still no tears, just smiles.
In those early months, I experienced a happiness I never dreamt of. I was ecstatic, and people could see it all over me. The next few months were exhilarating even though there were also new tensions and relationship strains due to the unusual path I was on. Still no tears.
A year after coming to faith, I left home for biblical studies. Leaving home brought with it renewed anxiety as I began to face some of my entrenched insecurities and fears. As I woke up one morning in my dorm room, I was fiercely struggling with I don't really know what. I was not doing well and didn't know what to do. I was alone since I didn't have an early morning class that day. My roommate had a small (for those days) stereo and a few Gospel albums. I didn't listen to a lot of music back then, as music had been one of my gods during my Bad Old Days. I don't know why I put the album on.
Then something happened as the singing started. The faucet finally opened. I was shocked as for the first time in I don't know how long, I cried and cried. It felt so good! And while the lump would return from time to time, eventually so would the tears as God has allowed me to express myself in this way.
It's hard to say for sure what it was about that moment that released all that pent-up emotion. I can guess, because I have had similar experiences since. It hasn't always been with a song, but when I get a glimpse of the essence of life's reality, it's as if in that moment I see things as they really are, that amidst the confusion and chaos of life - my life - God really is my security, and everything will be okay after all. When that truth hits me, I am undone as all the tension of the insecurity I feel from the instability and pressures around me is released in an emotional torrent.
Perhaps that is something akin to what Joseph experienced when he was finally reconciled with his brothers. We can't overestimate the emotional turmoil he must have carried all those years. We shouldn't assume his rise to power in Egypt completely soothed the confusion, anger, and sadness he carried for so long. The emotions must have built to volcanic proportions during the process of revealing himself. For his own reasons, he shrewdly dealt with them as they travelled back and forth to Egypt for food all the while not knowing he was their brother. Then when he deemed the time was right, all that pent-up emotion flowed so freely that everyone around knew he was weeping.
I am aware that there are many people, men included, who cry like freely flowing fountains. You probably have no trouble relating to Joseph. You might be crying right now. Then there's the others.
Maybe you have an incessant lump in your throat as I had. Perhaps you have buried your emotions for so long that you can't feel them anymore. I don't know what it will take to release all you have been carrying inside.
I just wanted to tell you: it's alright to cry. Yeshua wept and He is our example!