AS WE FORGIVE
AS WE FORGIVE by Rachel Elby
Connecting to God through forgiving others
When we feel mistreated, anger is a natural response.
Much like physical pain alerts us to an injury, anger signals that something is amiss and needs attention. But holding on to anger is like leaving a wound untreated.
Healing begins when we face the pain and work toward forgiveness. Clinging to resentment neither restores justice nor protects us from further injury. Allowing anger to simmer only adds to the damage.
Knowing we should forgive, however, is not the same as knowing how. In searching for a deeper understanding of this difficult work, I found wisdom in the practical steps in Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski’s book titled "Forgiveness".
Acknowledging the Injury
Forgiveness should never become a way to blame the victim or whitewash abuse. Where there is immediate danger, getting out of harm’s way is the priority.
Forgiveness does not require us to minimize wrongdoing or deny our pain. After all, how can we forgive something that we have not acknowledged? While ignoring the problem may seem like the easiest path, it prevents forgiveness and leaves the door open for resentment. The Torah, in Leviticus 19:17, commands us not to harbor hatred in our hearts, but to address wrong directly.
When it becomes necessary to address an offense, approaching the conversation with care will minimize further hurt. Yeshua teaches us to begin by going privately to the person involved to seek resolution when possible (Matthew 18:15). When we allow our anger to cool, staying focused on the issue at hand rather than revisiting past offenses, we can better approach the person with clarity and gentleness, preserving their dignity and laying groundwork for peace and forgiveness to follow. Of course, offenses fall along a spectrum of severity. Many everyday offenses can be forgiven and released even if the offender is unaware and without confrontation.
Most of us struggle to understand the parameters of healthy, sustainable forgiveness.
Preparing the Heart
In Leviticus 19:15, we are called to judge others favorably whenever it is reasonable: “In righteousness shall you judge your neighbor.” This does not mean being naïve or overlooking clear wrongdoing but remembering that most offenses arise from human weakness and misunderstanding. However, even when a person meant no harm, or even if their actions were justifiable, we can still be hurt and find ourselves needing to forgive. Through forgiveness, we can loosen the grip that the actions of another person have on us personally, while continuing to love that person fully.
We can learn to anticipate situations that are likely to provoke anger, prepare ourselves for them, and avoid fanning the flames. Rabbi Twerski distinguishes between consciously restraining the expression of anger and repressing or denying what we feel. Rather than acting out in anger, which often intensifies it, we can acknowledge it and find healthy ways to process it.
In some cases, we might consider whether an old wound is intensifying our response. An innocent remark can feel like getting bumped where we already have a bruise; ordinary thoughtlessness may register as hostility. This does not make the pain imaginary or negate a legitimate grievance. It simply helps us identify what needs healing and frees us to respond wisely.
It might seem easier to pretend we’re unaffected by others. Strong emotions can be difficult to acknowledge. However, feelings we refuse to face have a way of spilling into other areas of our lives. Rather than succumbing to our immediate impulse to act out or bottling up our feelings, we can learn to respond with honesty and wisdom. Journaling and speaking openly with HaShem can help us sort through the feelings and gain clarity.
The Process of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is more than refraining from revenge; it is an active process. Forgiveness is a form of avodat HaShem, service of HaShem. Forgiveness is difficult work, but we undertake this work for HaShem, and through it we are set free.
We do not need to start with the most painful injuries or resolve everything at once. The key is to begin. These are some practical steps drawn in part from Rabbi Twerski’s book:
Offer a general prayer. We can ask HaShem to show kindness to his people, including the person we need to forgive.
Wish the person well. We can find a quiet place, think specifically of the person, and say aloud that we wish them happiness and peace. This may feel difficult or insincere at first, but Rabbi Twerski teaches that it reflects what our neshamah—our soul—truly desires. With time, that desire may begin to break through the anger.
Pray for new perspective. We can ask HaShem to help us see the person through his eyes.
Cultivate goodwill. When safe and appropriate, an act of kindness toward the person can change how we see them.
These practices may not be enough for every wound. Some require professional care, just as a severe physical injury requires a doctor. Seeking help on our journey toward healing is not a sign of failure but of wisdom.
Pressing On
The process of true forgiveness does not always come easily. We should not be dismayed if anger resurfaces after we thought we had forgiven. This does not mean we are back where we started. Forgiveness often unfolds in layers. Like exercise, we increase our capacity and strength each time we return to the work.
In some cases, we may not be ready to forgive immediately. Even great tzaddikim, the exceptionally righteous, sometimes need time for the initial sting to subside. What matters is our willingness to persist.
Forgiveness often includes grieving the loss of a reality we envisioned or an outcome we hoped for. As we accept what cannot be changed, HaShem helps us embrace what remains and anchor our deepest hopes in him.
Forgiveness can be difficult, but it becomes easier when we make room for imperfection in ourselves and others. Perfectionism toward ourselves often breeds bitterness toward those around us. Wrongdoing must still be addressed, but cultivating patience for our own limitations can help us extend grace for the limitations of others.
Part of our journey may include forgiving ourselves. Although we are not to blame for the harm others caused us, we may hold ourselves responsible for not recognizing or preventing it. We can extend compassion to our younger selves as well, remembering that we acted with the strength and understanding we had at the time. Instead of holding on to shame and regret, we can learn from our experience and move forward with greater wisdom.
The Freedom of Forgiveness
Forgiveness takes time and practice. We don’t need to promise to never feel angry again. We only need to try our best today. Bitterness and resentment draw us away from our Father in heaven, but when we take a step toward him, he bridges the distance. So let us take the first step today, and as we lie down each night, may we surrender to HaShem with words of the prayer before the bedtime Shema: “I hereby forgive anyone who angered or antagonized me or who sinned against me … whether accidentally, wilfully, carelessly, or purposely.”
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